Reflection

We are told that graduating from high school is a step towards adulthood.  We accept this as well as accepting that “things will work for us”.  What some of us never figure out is that our decisions are what cause things to work in or favor.  Poor decisions have negative results just as good decisions have, usually, positive results. A few thoughts on life and the past and I’ll call it a night…some details I’ve never talked about, some details might have even been intentionally avoided…the story as was

               6/2001- Graduate High school...wasn’t a big concern for me, wasn’t a big deal.  I had no idea what I was capable of and no idea what I wanted from life.  I had a beautiful girlfriend a great job lifeguarding and that’s really all that mattered to me.  I didn’t care too much about going to college because, as I said, I had no idea what I wanted to do or accomplish.

               8/11/2001- I consider this day to be the single most important day in my life.  It began a half- decade long downward spiral, surprisingly…it began with a great decision in a very poor way.

               I was dating a girl for about 3 months total.  She (we’ll call her “Liz”)was/is a great girl, super-sweet, beautiful, and intelligent.  On 8/11I went to an old friends( we’ll call her “Mandy”) house for a movie…I can see parts of the movie but I don’t remember what movie it was…I think it was a Tom Cruise movie, enough reason for me to not watch…however, one of “Mandys” friends had my undivided attention.  We’ll call this girl “Carol”…I can offer no other explanation other than immediate infatuation.  I don’t remember the conversation, I don’t remember the movie and I don’t remember who else was present.  I remember a black shirt with a yellow X across the chest, light colored stonewash blue jeans, blonde ponytail with black hair-tie and tennis shoes.  I also remember the smell of watermelon…whether this is accurate or true I can’t honestly say but as I’m thinking about that night that’s the aroma I think of…who knows.  Anyways, I decided that night that I wanted “Carol” so I,  cowardly I know, called Liz and told her I didn’t want to date her anymore…remember that karma thing?  Remember this for later.  So “Caroline” and I enjoyed a good 30 minutes of singleness before I left.  I got a phone number…a number I remember to this very day and my summer was looking vastly improved.   I went to talk to Liz and just ended it face to face, better late than never?  Wrong, I was a coward and didn’t want to face this beautiful girl I was casting aside for a “newer model”.  Anyways, I began GMC college the following week, I began “talking to Caroline” and then…decided I needed to meet her parents…I had this old fashioned notion of asking permission to date their daughter…well…that initial bad decision (leaving a good girl in a cowardly way?) continued when a lie was told to her parents…I will not say whose decision it was but I wil take the blame because I agreed by silence.  I was a year younger and helping her in math…which was true I did help her through math but the age thing should have really bothered me.  I think that weighed in my mind too much.  Anyways, aside from that the next few months were some of the happiest I can remember. ..I finished fall & winter 2001 with 3.9 GPA…however, ”Carolines” parents never liked me much at all…afterall, I was a working class son of a mechanic, to them.  I had an inferiority complex not least affected by this gorgeous girl who was crazy about me.  As her Junior year began its full swing, the rich kids/guys in her class began to take notice…I was jealous/afraid and I lied about something so very very stupid that I shouldn’t even say it because its so very pathetic.  I told her I had a mustang built to race at one time, which is partially true…but even a partial truth is a complete lie.  The partial truth is that a friend had the car, I helped put the car back together and drove it a few times.  I have no idea what I was thinking except the feelings I have were desperation of “I have to be more than I really am in order to keep this girl.”… this very stupid, very pointless choice I made ended up being allowed to control me and caused me to ruin my life for the next 6 years.  Time went on and “Mandy” became close to “Caroline” and then, my world began to unravel…that summer, I thought things were okay but watch this.  “Caroline” went to a very high class city on the coast to be paid a lot of money to be the friend of a wealthy girl…One night that summer…June 30, 2002…I called her when I got  off work, she didn’t answer.  NO big deal I’d call back later.  She didn’t answer again.  I shot her a text, no response.  All day 7/1, no response…all day 7/2, no response.  I called her mom and she told me her had talked to her a few minutes early that she was going to eat with a friend from school that visited her.  You know that feeling that something is constricting around your lungs?  Your stomach acts like you swallowed a live fish and your back feels frozen…that’s what I felt.  

I finally heard from her…On 7/3/2002 at 9:03am.  I received a phone call.

Me: “hello”

“We have to talk”

Me: “uh..okay”

“its over Brett, goodbye”

Me: “wait…”

CLICK

Honest to God, I don’t remember anything else until I saw her in November.  We talked, she cried but not nearly as hard as I cried.  I loved this girl, I know I know…how much could you love her if you lied to her…It was a stupid decision, but at that time in my life, there was NOTHING I wouldn’t do for her.  If she asked for a car I would have done whatever it took to buy her one.

2002-I dropped out of USC Aiken after a 0.0 GPA semester

2003-I don’t remember much of…probably some beer, pot and girlfriends

2004-…probably some beer, pot and more girlfriends

2005-I started to work at the family automotive shop and tried college one semester at ASU… 0.0GPA…more beer, no pot or other drugs…I believe this is when I began going to Locos off Furys Ferry every afternoon…spending 15-30 in beer a day is one, poor, way to deal with your self-loathing, pity and regret.

2006- What a freaking year.  A wreck in June could have/should have killed my best friend J, myself and the two passengers with us.  It didn’t, we were…mainly…not seriously injured…I broke my nose and have a decently ugly scar on my head but the car felt me more than I felt it. 

               June-I honestly feel the wreck was God saying.  “Hey, kid.”  But I wasn’t paying attention and couldn’t hear him over the sound of my own self-loathing and pity.

August 2006-I should have lost my leg.  A car was on the lift and I was in such a hurry to get out of the shop on a Friday night that I didn’t lock the lift properly, well…I was sitting on the lift and then suddenly, the lift fell and landed about 1/2“ above my foot…an impact wrench was what the lift landed on, instead of my outstretched leg. 

“Hey kid, listen.”—No response

October 2006- Arizona Cardinals vs…Chicago Bears(?)…Monday Night football with Rachel Bennett, Chris Martin and Stephanie Logan, a couple beers and I left…suddenly, “hey kid” became a kick in the stomach, 10/16/2006-DUI and a night in Columbia County Detention Center.

God-“can you hear me now?”  You owe Columbia Cty $6,000 in fees and 12months suspended license.

               “Huh? Did someone say something?”

Finally.

I was embarrassed.  Not for myself, I was embarrassed for my father.  Worked so hard his entire life to make sure we never went without the essentials and here I was…dragging his name down with mine.  I chose then, time to get this sucker back together

2007-I disappeared from my friends and reappeared at ASU—I hated business so I found the Dept of Kinesiology…MIGHT have had 2 beers this whole year

2008-I was dedicated to school.  I ate, slept and breathed Anatomy.  I found my passion and I was/AM very very good at it…I don’t recall drinking at all this year

2009-I reappeared to my friends, confident and changed…I think I had 1 drink with them.

2010- really started to address my past issues and decisions.  I can track how something as small as a “little white lie” actually almost ruined my life.  I began to search for the power that caused the sudden/abrupt change in my life, as well as second chances…The year got better, I graduated with my B.S. in Kinesiology.  Met my current girlfriend and was awarded a graduate Assistantship, allowing me to pursue my M.S. Kinesiology for FREE, in fact…getting paid to go to school.

There were a number of girls I dated during, what I call “the Dark years”…I was a bad guy then.  Very bad.  I can never do anything but say “I am sorry”.  A few people who were ALWAYS by my side when I needed them the most and they will never be far from my thoughts or prayers.

Granted, over those years I became very close to one girl that I had thought to marry once I was capable of supporting us.  It never worked out with her.  I definitely loved her enough, but I was incapable of giving her what she needed.  We had alot of fun together and we are still great friends.  I hope she knows just hope important she is to me.  I know I put her back together after a number of breakups, some were for the best, some not so much...she fixed me as well.